While this site - and this group - isn't specifically about swinging, we do get a lot of couples that are very intrigued about the lifestyle and use sensual massage as a way to dip a toe into the pool before committing to a jump off the high dive. At no time throughout our events will you be pressured to do anything that is outside your own individual area of comfort. This is one of the reasons why we do not allow single men at any of our events.
We do host 'Themed Parties' that are for the more adventurous couples but that is NOT the focus of the massage mixers. Be assured there will be no rampant displays of fornication on the main level! 🙂 As the evening progresses, couples are encouraged to keep an open mind and stay as long as they're comfortable. If a couple's tolerance level is exceeded they can leave at any time. Many couples attend early in the evening and then make their way home with new ideas, tips and stories to share in the privacy of their own homes.
People explore the swing lifestyle for many reasons. Some are just bored with their regular sex life and want the thrill that comes from the hunt of a new sexual partner. Some are looking to explore an activity they’ve not done before. Girl-girl exploration is one of the biggest, but there are men who want to explore with other men as well. Additionally, some are interested in groups, having sex with someone outside their own race or a host of other reasons.
While the thought of swinging can be appealing on a personal level, a couple needs to have a very serious discussion about the topic including each partner’s expectations, their willingness to explore the lifestyle and what is acceptable or expected behavior while with others in a sexual context.
Some of the questions for discussion between partners:
1. Why are you interested in exploring swinging? What makes it appealing, and why have you decided to bring this up now, as opposed to earlier in your relationship? Has your relationship changed over time, or have you always been interested? Discuss what brought you to broach the subject and why you haven’t earlier.
2. Are you trying to fix an issue in your relationship? Some couples mistakenly think that because they are having relationship issues that this will somehow bring them together as it is something they can share as a couple. Usually nothing could be further from the truth. It requires an extraordinarily strong relationship to handle the potential stress and conflict that swinging can bring. It can be a wonderful experience, but it will most definitely not heal a relationship that is already having difficulties.
3. What experiences would you like to have? Are you looking to remain in the lifestyle, or are you just trying to fulfill a specific fantasy? Talk to your partner about your wants and desires if you would agree to explore them in a safe, secure setting. Some people want to explore with a member of the same sex, have multiple partners, act out role-play scenarios, try S&M, bondage or submissive/domination scenarios. However many couples merely enjoy chatting about the possibilities and are quite content to never act on them.
Many people are intrigued by having sex with two partners. It is almost always erotic to think about two people pleasuring you! But many don’t think about what it will actually be like to watch one’s spouse be pleasured by someone else – right in front of them. Will you really be ok with watching your partner perform oral sex on someone else? What about penetration? Will it arouse you, or will you have feelings of jealousy? These are very serious questions and need to be thought through carefully. It is not uncommon for a couple to actually get to the point of playing and then find out that the reality wasn’t quite what they were expecting.
4. What experiences are you NOT willing to have? Part of the allure of swinging is exploring your own sexuality, yet there are things that you and your partner may decide are off limits. Either partner may refuse to be involved in any bi-sexual activity, the woman may not allow anal sex (whether she does or does not do that in the relationship) or there may be issues with pain, humiliation or bondage that one or both parties are simply not interested in.
One thing to consider is that you may be presented with an opportunity during an encounter, and you may actually want to proceed. It is critical that you discuss these possibilities beforehand. Asking for permission on the spot if you’ve already been told NO can make for an unpleasant car ride home. “I thought we discussed this and we agreed…”
Not participating in something because it scares you is different than not doing it because of tightly held beliefs or feelings. If the female partner has asked the man not to engage in anal sex with another woman because they want to keep something special between them, it can seriously weaken your swinging bond if you ask to break that promise in the heat of the moment. The same could be said for the woman allowing another man to have anal sex with her. On the other hand, if one partner decides to try a bisexual experience in the heat of the moment, it might not be seen as an equal level of transgression. This is why discussion before hand is so important.
How to start the discussion
There are many other questions as well, which we will cover in greater detail in a later chapter. But for now remember this - people in the lifestyle will tell you universally that this will NOT help you fix a broken relationship. It will expose every weakness you have and probably uncover some you weren’t even aware of. Are you ready for the next step?
Set aside some time to talk to your spouse. You have to give them a chance to unwind, relax and be in a stable mindset before broaching a subject as potentially volatile as this. You can’t squeeze it in between courses at a fancy restaurant!
Make a nice dinner or take your spouse out to their favorite restaurant. DO NOT DISCUSS IT YET! If you do they will just figure out that you are trying to blind-side them with something and the discussion will likely not go well.
After dinner, when you’re home and on your own turf again, tell them you read an article, or saw something online, and you wanted their opinion on something. Don’t make it a question directly, but bring up the subject as a topic of discussion. “I heard some guys at work talking, and wondered what you’re thoughts were.” Or – “I read that 30% of women secretly desire a 3-some with two guys! Is that something you’ve ever fantasized about?”
Once you have the discussion started, if the subject seems at least tantalizing talk to your partner about your fantasies, wants and desires. This is by far the most critical part of the process. If you’re met with resistance, drop it immediately and don’t try to force the discussion. If you do you’ll likely permanently kill any chance of bringing your partner around later. If you can’t communicate now about this stuff in a reasonable manner, you have to fix this first. And it can take a while! Get some books on communication and start there. You cannot be in the lifestyle successfully and not communicate.
Be careful what you wish for!
Ok, so you’ve gotten over the first hurdle, and now you’re thinking about swinging. The hard part is over, right? WRONG! If you do get your spouse to actually participate, be prepared for your partner to really enjoy having sex with someone else. Think about this. Your partner will at some point have an amazing orgasm with someone else. Possibly the best one they’ve ever had. And it may not be with you! Can you emotionally handle that without becoming jealous? What if your wife/girlfriend has sex with an enormously hung young black stud? Will you be ok with her enjoying herself with one - or possibly more - men while you watch? Many, many men finally get what they think they want and end up having tremendous emotional difficulties afterwards.
Women face the same issues. What if your husband/boyfriend finds a young woman who will gladly have anal sex with him, deep throat him and swallow or accept a double penetration with another man? What if she has a better body, larger breasts that don’t sag and no stretch marks? Is your relationship strong enough to handle these sorts of issues and remain strong, or will these issues breed jealousy and insecurities between the two of you?
Try to answer these questions yourself - honestly - before opening a discussion about adding another person to that most sacred part of your relationship! They might just say yes…